Kronkelende van de pijn, breng ik het nu naar buiten, alles in Krantenkop of Doofpot with some help from a friend Manja Croiset


Contribution for Worldpressphoto, but I am not a professional photographer.

So rejected en despised! Door Kathleen Ferrier of course.

Staat in my autobiography



I am a visual artist, a writer and a poet. But the scope of my activities is wider: I have made photographs and short films – mainly of my own work -, I am a political activist always active in the field of Human Rights.

But besides being an artist, I am a very ill woman, with a damaged nervous system, probably caused by MD’s errors in the past. Because of a hidden holocaust, I developed very heavy fears. Wrong diagnosis: Phobia. When I was Sixteen I was hospitalized. The treatment was torturous and I got wrong medication that poisoned me. I almost died from it when I was seventeen. Nowadays I can say, I regret it didn’t happened.

The pictures I am entering I’ve made shortly after having been questioned, by a MD who asked me to do things which were far beyond my capacities, as an answer to my request for euthanasia.Torture again, this time in my own house.

Because of my psychiatric past, I was obliged to have a series of conversations with psychiatrists. But I couldn’t. There were two reasons why the psychiatrists were not an option, 1. I physically have no power to speak and the subject was an overemotional issue, which would make me sicker than ever. 2. It felt like an interrogation or a forced hospitalization, which I resented.

Although I need help it never came from psychiatrists. Just from nice human beings. I have one very good friend who happens to be a retired psychiatrist, and a good one. He visits me regularly and once in a while we discuss daily subjects, my problems and illnesses. With him too, no professional approach ever worked out.He is my lifeline and my buddy. We both lived in Amsterdam we visit in our minds The Zoo and other places, how ill I was the attention was shifted.

So instead of seeing the psychiatrists I wrote letters explaining my situation. “Almost 6 years bedridden, complete deaf on one ear, the other deteriorating, the same with one eye and the other damaged, almost like Helen Keller. I can’t cut my meat. Holding a glass is very difficult. I should be really going out of my mind if I wasn’t scared. Yet my brains are still working excellently”.
These letters didn’t convince the authorities, in spite of the fact that several doctors had stated that convalescence from my disabilities was out of the question.
My GP suggested that I could go to Switserland where the rules about euthanasia are different, but I am not able to travel. Would I be in a condition that I could, I should not have the request.

This is the context of these photos. I regret there is no category healthcare In Worldpressphoto, where they could form a statement. I never have wanted to fight only my own battle. Help for me is coming too late, but if my contribution is working out for others than a lifetime of suffering makes some sense.

I have always been a hard – probably too hard – working person, at first forced to do so it has become a habit, a method of surviving.
A few years ago when I read in a magazin that an MD wanted to write a PhD on the subject of suffering I volunteered. I wanted to tell my story, and I wanted to participate in breaking the taboo about euthanasia and the shame related to it. But the rules were: the statements had to be anonymous. So in my opinion the taboo was maintained. We agreed to circumvent this problem, by adding a – non-anonymous – poem of mine refering to the page with the texts about my disease. The book is called ‘When Suffering becomes unbearable’.

In December 2018 I published the story of my struggle my self with the photo’s in a book called: ‘HEADLINE or COVER-UP I expect cover-up’.

Summing up: My whole life has been a nightmare asleep – I sleep hardly sleep at all -, but also awake. Even I, who live this life, could hardly imagine how heavy it whould be on my isle of fear, illnesses and loneliness. Severely neglected in a house of my own I feel like a hobo. A hermit with WiFi.

If hell had an emergency exit it wasn’t one!

Ill singles are discriminated.

And again the so-called healthcare is my worst enemy.

© Manja Croiset

It’s better to die young than to suffer a long time.


Manja Croiset (born 5 July 1946, in Amsterdam) is a Dutch poet, writer and recitation artist. Croiset is a second generation Shoah victim, the daughter of Shoah survivors, and youngest[1] of three daughters. The family members of her mother, Paula Kool (March 11, 1918 – May 11, 2012), were murdered in The Holocaust. Her father, Odo Croiset (April 24, 1915 – November 18, 2011), son of Hijman Croiset, survived several Nazi concentration camps because of illegal printing practices including printing of Het Parool. After elementary school Manja attended Barlaeus,[2] but was admitted into a psychiatric hospital on an early age. She worked at the Leidsch Dagblad, aDutch newspaper, for nine years. Croiset started her career later in life, but wrote numerous books in a short period. Her work has some philosophical aspect. She also creates ‘Manjaphorisms and other puns. The reoccurring subject lines in her books are about being a second generation Shoah victim and her life in the many different psychiatric institutions. In 2009 she received the Elikser award and certificate from her publisher. This was the first time the prize was awarded, and would be rewarded every year from then on. Manja Used to be an activist as well, against all kinds of discrimination. Designs clothing photographer mainly of her own work included ON TRANSPORT, her works is also in Yad Vashem. Several books and speeches.

In 2013 iets dergelijks nog geen iPad, was niet in staat mijn PGB adm 2014 te doen, het heeft me bijna €40.000 gekost.







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